Save Me
by Cecy Robson
Published by Cecy Robson, LLC
Book 5 in the O'Brien Family Series
Three weddings. No date.
What’s a hot stud to do when all the women on his speed dial are either serving dinner to their families or serving time?
Out of all the O’Briens, Seamus is the best-looking, most creative, and, did I mention, best-looking? Single at almost forty wasn’t a big deal until every sibling in his large and loud Irish family found “the one.” Now, he’s desperate for a wedding date, one he doesn’t have to worry will make out with the limo driver or rob the bride and groom blind.
Allie Mendes is the good daughter, who’s spent her life living in her perfect sister’s shadow. But when her sister steals the man Allie was supposed to marry, that shadow she’s lived in threatens to swallow her whole. Allie wants to believe a bright future awaits. But when she begs God to save her from this disastrous twist of fate, the last person she expects Him to send her is Seamus O’Brien.
Allie needs a stand-in boyfriend to avoid appearing as lonely as she feels. Seamus needs a decent woman without an ankle bracelet or a rap sheet as long as his muscular arms. The two make a deal to pose as each other’s perfect date. But weddings mean romance and a chance at forever neither had planned.
Genre
Save Me is the fifth, and final book of the O'Brien series by Cecy Robson. It centers on the last single O'Brien, Seamus, feeling pressure from his family to find someone to settle down with, and Allie Mendes, a successful realtor who has spent years in her model sisters shadow, and being put down by her family.
I started out not being crazy about this book. Seamus has the classic O'Brien humor, but the first run in he has with Allie I didn't like. Not only did he not remember a girl he went to church with throughout his childhood, but didn't remember the realtor who sold him the apartment complex his brothers and him. And when he does remember her, brings up how hot her sister is ... yikes. It was bad. The makeover thing bugged me too. I am not opposed to makeovers, as long as they are done right. I guess I was just surprised. The O'Brien novels have all been pretty unique so far, so I was surprised that Cecy Robson went with a plot that tends to be overused. The only things that saved this for me, was that Seamus very quickly wised up. Once he saw how Allie's "hot" sister treated others, it was an instant turn off. Also, Seamus found Allie beautiful before the makeover helped me get over the whole thing. He encouraged the make over for two reasons: to make their fake relationship believable, as he was known to date a certain type of woman, and to help her confidence, that her family trampled all over.
Another thing that saved this book for me, was their friendship. They truly became best friends. Sure, they were attracted to one another, but they put that aside to the VERY END of the book. They got to know one another. They comforted one another. They told things to each other they never told anyone. They ended up bringing out the best in one another, which brought them together in the end. Seamus needed to grow up, and actually take some time to get to know someone worth getting to know. Allie needed to work on her self-esteem, and learn to stand up for herself. It meant that the romance between them didn't happen until literally the last two chapters, but I almost prefer that. They are the only couple who fell in love with one another, and said it to each other, before having sex. If they jumped into bed earlier in the book, they wouldn't have lasted.
The O'Brien weddings were perfect. Declan and Melissa's quickie wedding was bittersweet due to her fathers diagnosis, but so sweet. Wren's wedding was also beautiful. Her having every brother walk her own the aisle, and her thanking each and every one, got me teary eyed. Everyone getting happy endings was awesome. I do wish there was another book in the works for Angus and Molly. After so many books where jokes were made about them being unhappy, I feel like there could have been a story there. Angus and Molly working on their issues, and getting married. Instead, we get told they get married.
We also learned more about the O'Brien parents. It's been well established that their father was awful. He worked part-time, then spent his afternoons with his mistress. We learned in this book that he also beat his kids. Angus took most of the hits, because he jumped in front of his siblings to spare them, but he almost killed Seamus when Seamus confronted his father at his mistresses house. It was her that ended up saving him. Learning that his mother cleaned him up, tucked him in, served her husband a hot cooked meal as she always did (knowing he was cheating on her), and hitting him in the head with a cast iron pan? Epic. Her threat to kill him if he ever touched her babies again was just epic. And he never did.
In the end, while this book had it's problems, it was sweet. Their strong friendship being established before their relationship was different from the other books, and I loved that they worked on themselves BEFORE getting together. No climatic break up for these two to get them to see the light.
Brenda: "Jesus. What did your mom feed you when you were little? Steroids? Youz all are going to have to go a size larger to accommodate your freakish chests and long limbs."
Seamus: "What about our outrageously good looks? Do we have to go up a size for that, Miss Brenda?"
Brenda: "The pants, we need to go down a size."
Finn: "Now, I don't know about that. Not to brag, Miss Brenda, but most of us are freakishly big in other ways, too. If you know what I mean, ma'am."
Seamus: "Da hell, Finn? I'm only thirty-six."
Wren and Ma: "Thirty-seven."
Finn: "See, that's what I'm telling you. You're old. Old people always forget how old they are."
Seamus: "Who cares how old I am?"
Finn: "I'm twenty-six. I have a woman I'm marrying, and probably seven kids to pop out before I get to be your age. Sol has good childbearing hips, I think she could do it. But you, you're running out of time. I think you've got two, maybe three good years left before your balls shrivel up and drop like stones on the floor. Don't let your balls down like that, man. You're better than that. So are they."
Ma: "Me little Finnie is right. He's the baby and already getting married. Promising me grandbabies like a good boy."
He points at her, making a clicking sound.
Finn: "You know I've got you, Ma."
Ma: "Look at you, Seamus. All strapped male with the strength and charm of an Irish prince. I just have one question. Are you trying to kill your mother?"
Jesus. Here we go.
Ma: "Oh, me handsome son. It's a simple question really. Do you want me to die?"
Wren: "You want Ma to die?"
Seamus: "So what if I'm not married? So what if I haven't popped out a few kids? Plenty of women have had the absolute pleasure of sampling the merchandise -"
I wince when Ma slaps me upside the head.
Ma: "And what happened to all these 'ladies' who sampled the merchandise?"
Finn: "I think one is back in prison. Larceny and Fraud. Right, Seamus?"
Wren: "It's where most of the skanks he dated belong. Remember Kenna O'Sullivan?"
We all collectively cross ourselves, including Miss Brenda's daughters.
Wren: "They never did find the body."
Seamus: "Yeah. She was a nutcase."
Finn: "Hey, Shoshana Greenstone was nice. Oh, and her husband was pretty damn understanding when he found out you were banging her."
Seamus: "I didn't know she was married! I just, you know, thought she worked odd hours."
Wren: "No, she just had trouble finding a babysitter for her kids."
Ma: "What about the others? The girls have liked you since you were a wee lad."
Seamus: "I don't know. No one's really ever done it for me. You want them to do it for me, don't ya?"
Wren: "You mean besides in the backseat of your truck? Yeah, that would be nice."
Wren: "I never signed up for this blushing bride-to-be bullshit. I wanted to get married on the beach with just us. But no. Ma insists I get married in a church or risk God releasing a plague that will have flying monkeys shooting out of my lady bits. No one needs that shit."
Wren: "No wonder so many people get married in Vegas. This isn't natural. All these different events to mark the only big event that matters. Can't I just get married and skip the rest?"
Seamus: "You can if you want Ma to die and come back to haunt you leading the Four Horsemen. You know Ma's been waiting for this day. Remember when Grammie - God rest her soul - used to pray the rosary? 'Oh, sacred Jesus, forgive this undeserving and hell-bound child for her many sins and let her find a man deserving of your grace. Do not strike her down with your mighty spirit. Bless her womb as your beloved father blessed your mother's so she may have strapping, intelligent, and dashing boys, in Jesus' name, Amen.'
Wren: "You remember all that?"
Seamus: "Hell, yeah. It was how she said good night."
Wren: "True. God rest her soul. To be fair, I wasn't the hell-bound child. That was Finnie. I was the destroyer of dreams and all things pure."
Seamus: "Yeah? I thought that was Grammie's nickname for Curran?"
Wren: "No, he was God's answer to birth control. Killian was Damian from the Omen."
Seamus: "Oh, yeah. I remember her squirting him with holy water every Sunday before mass, so God would let him in."
Wren: "In Grammie's defense, he did look like that creepy kid after the bowl cut Ma gave him. Angus was 'Gluttony' and a few other of the seven sins, depending on the day. You were Judas, on account of you always ratting us out."
Seamus: "I remember that much. Hey, what was Declan?"
Wren: "Dear boy. That kiss-ass was always the favorite."
Wren and Seamus: "Bastard."
Wren: "Listen, Seamus, I know we gave you a hard time the other day about being old as fuck, still being single, and no woman in sight without a long list of baby daddies. But our hearts were in the right place."
Seamus: "Sounds it."
Wren: "My point is, there is someone out there for you. You just have to find her. Forget all the skanks. Stop spending your weekends watching football at Killian's and eating your weight in nachos. Go to church and find someone. Someone nice. Someone who isn't going to steal my purse."
Seamus: "It was one time. And I paid you back the bills she stole."
Wren: "Seamus."
Seamus: "And the clothes."
Wren: "Seamus."
Seamus: "And your panties."
Wren: "Seamus! I don't care about all that. Okay, the panties were a big deal, because honestly, what the fuck?"
Wren: "You're seeing someone."
Seamus: "Sure."
Wren: "Someone who doesn't deflate when you're done for the night?"
Seamus: "That was one time!"
Seamus: "Have I ever lied to you? Scratch that. Have I ever lied to you about a woman? Never mind. The thing is, I can't really tell anyone."
Wren: "You're gay, aren't you? Come out of the closet, Seamus. The rest of us pretty much figured as much. God, I've never met a blue-collar man who obsesses over hair gel more than you do."
Allie: "You don't remember me, do you?"
Seamus: "Um. Sure. One of the best nights of my life. Sorry I haven't called, my grandmother died and it's been real hard on me and my family."
Allie: "What?"
Seamus: "My Grammie, she was real special - God rest her soul - and out of respect for her and all the memories we shared, I've been, you know, grieving and shit."
Allie: "I don't think you understand."
Seamus: "Yeah, I do, and it meant a lot. Sorry I didn't invite you to the funeral. It was a private thing. A family thing. But like I said, you are the best I ever had."
Allie: "Seamus, it' me. Allie Mendes. Allie Mendes."
Seamus: "I know. How could I forget? You were really flexible and ... stuff."
Allie: "Flexible?"
Seamus: "Did I say flexible? I meant hot. Real hot. Scorching hot. My sheets and everything else are still burning. You know what I mean. Like I said, with Grammie dying, it's been real hard on all of us. I wanted to call. But it's like every time I pick up my phone, I want to call Grammie. And you can't make calls to heaven."
I throw back my head laughing.
Allie: "Seamus, I assure you we've never slept together."
Seamus: "We didn't?"
Allie: "No."
Seamus: "Did we at least feel each other up."
Allie: *laughing* "No."
Seamus: "But we wanted to, right?"
Seamus: "So, you taught Finnie, Wren, Killian, and Curran Sunday school?"
Allie: "Yes. I did."
Seamus: "That must've been a train wreck. Be honest with me, how many times did you want to send them to hell? You can tell me. I won't say anything. Between you and me, how many times did you ask the Archangel Michael to strike them down?"
Allie: *laughing* "Your family had a habit of getting into brawls."
Seamus: "Oh, hey, sorry, sir. I didn't mean to blow you off. Hope you're okay with me dating your daughter."
There goes Allie, making another squeaky noise. It would be cute if it didn't sound so panicked and if she didn't look like she wanted to die. She buries her face in my chest.
Allie: "That's Andres."
Seamus: *mishearing* "You want us to undress?"
Allie: "No, precious. I said that's Andres. Valentina's fiancee."
Seamus: *laughing* "No, shit. Damn. Age was a real bitch to you, wasn't she?"
He frowns. So does Allie's mother. Valentina looks annoyed. Not that I insulted her husband. More like I pointed out what everyone is probably thinking and what she'd rather ignore.
Andres: "The stress of my job takes its toll. But it's given me more money than I can spend in a lifetime."
Seamus: "That's nice."
Andres: *scoffing* "I don't know why I'm wasting my time speaking to you. You're a shell of a man, pathetic at best."
Seamus: "You think I'm pathetic? I don't think Stephen Montessori would agree with you on that one, Andy?"
A fresh coat of red flushes his cheeks. Stephen Montessori shoved Andres into a gym locker. I made Stephen let him out. Considering what he pulled on Allie and how he's talking to me now, I should've left him inside.
Andres: "Insults are all you have. Unlike me, who's made a fortune."
The money thing is getting old, but if he wants to go there, let's go.
Seamus: "You really think you're the only one in this room who's made his share of bills?"
I return to stroking Allie's side, this time slower and more like she's naked in bed with me, instead of clothed and standing on linoleum.
Seamus: "This woman handled all my real estate ventures. Thanks to her, I have a few mil to brag about myself, if I was the bragging type. But those who brag about money are those who have nothing else to brag about. No offense."
Andres: "Is that so? I would love to see your portfolio."
Seamus: "I bet you would. It's big. Real big if you hear what I'm saying. Thing is, I don't have to whip it out and compare sizes. There's no comparison. Isn't that right, babe?"
Andres: "You may claim to be more and have more, but I doubt it."
I laugh. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.
Seamus: "Allie doesn't doubt it. Believe me, I've given her loads to compare.
Andres pales, only to scowl when my glaze flickers toward Valentina. He thinks I want her or envy him for having a woman all men supposedly want.
Seamus: "Considering who you slipped a ring on, it seems you have a lot more to prove to anyone stupid enough to listen."
I point at him and make a clicking sound with my tongue.
Seamus: "See you at the wedding shower."
Allie: "You grabbed my ass."
Seamus: "Yeah, a few times."
Allie: "You grabbed my ass."
Seamus: "It was either that or kiss you. But since we'd just met, I thought the ass-grabbing was more polite."
Allie: "More polite?"
Seamus: "Yes?"
Allie: "Why did you? ... How could you? ... What were you thinking?"
Seamus: "You make it sound like this whole thing was my idea."
Allie: "That's because it was! You pretended to be my boyfriend. My boyfriend, who I'm taking to the wedding luncheon, the rehearsal dinner, and the wedding. God Almighty, Seamus. What did you do?"
Seamus: "You told me to save you. But now you have to save me, too."
Allie: "I beg your pardon?"
Seamus: "Remember Finnie and Wren? They're getting married. And from what I've seen, my brother Declan is closes to getting engaged. I'm getting a lot of crap about getting old, being single, and not having any kids. Believe it or not, it's like my entire family things I can't get anyone classy."
Allie: "Oh, I believe it."
Seamus: "I told them I had someone to bring to all the events, the luncheons and whatever. Someone without a prison record, you hear what I'm saying? You don't have a prison record, do you?"
She shakes her head slowly.
Seamus: "Okay, good. You seem real nice, too. So, I say it's a win-win for both of us."
Allie: "You're insane."
Seamus: "Hey. This was your idea."
Allie: "It was not!"
Seamus: "You told me to save you. Your family walked in. You lost your mind and you begged me to save you. No offense, Allie, but the least you can do is say thank you."
Allie: "I was talking to God."
Seamus: "Looks like God sent me, instead."
Seamus: "I suppose we should establish some rules."
Allie: "Rules?"
Seamus: "Yeah. Rules. Like no groping below the belt, unless you want me to and maybe some over the sweater fondling in case of an emergency."
Allie: "Please explain to me what kind of emergency warrants me being fondled by you over my sweater."
Seamus: "It could happen. You want to come across as convincing, don't you? I was thinking that maybe for the rehearsal, you can wear an extra pair of panties beneath your skirt."
Allie: "For what?"
Seamus: "To subtly pass to me under the table. Maybe in front of Andy. I'll clutch them against my chest and give you a wink. Yeah. That'll work."
Allie: "Why?"
Seamus: "Because that's what couples who can't keep their hands off each other do."
Allie: "I take it this is something you've done yourself."
Seamus: "Oh, hell no."
Allie: "Then who are these magical couples you're referring to?"
Seamus: "I never claimed to know any. But I think I might have seen it in a movie once."
Allie: "Really? Did this movie have a horny plumber who 'accidentally' walked in on the panty removing twosome?"
Seamus: "How did you know?" Allie: "Oh, God."
Seamus: "Yeah, that's what she said."
Seamus: "Come on, cuteness. I'm not so bad. Think of me as your new best friend."
Seamus: "You look like a Mormon and not the good kind. I mean the cult kind. The one with multiple wives and three hundred kids. The kind that make us Irish look infertile. Seriously, Allie. You're sexy and everything. But if you told me you're number four of six sister wives, I'd believe you, based on what you're wearing."
Allie: "I represent a great deal of elderly clients. If I don't dress a certain way, they might not take me seriously."
Seamus: "I'm not telling you to change the way you dress in front of your clients."
Allie: "Oh, good."
Seamus: "I'm just telling you to change the way you dress around me."
Allie: "Excuse me?"
Seamus: "Oh, and my family. They're never gonna believe that I fell for you dressed the way you are."
Allie: "Would you prefer me in a G string and tassels?"
Seamus: "Yeah."
Allie: "I may have to kill you."
Allie: "You're asking a great deal.:
Seamus: "You asked first."
Allie: "I was asking God."
Seamus: "God was busy, so he sent one of his best-looking angels. That's me, in case you're wondering. So from now on, consider me your very own hot-as-sin guardian angel."
Seamus: "I'm going to make it so Andres cuts off his own balls for letting you go. I'm not saying you're going to steal him back. Two wrongs don't make a right. Not to mention, you should sure his ass for wasting ten years of your life."
Allie: "I don't think I understand."
Seamus: "I'm going to fix everything holding you back. Starting with your clothes and your hair. You're going to be so desirable when I'm done with you, men will be shoving me out of the way just to bask in your hotness. I don't mean to be insulting. But it's like you're a caterpillar who's cocooned herself for too damn long."
Allie: "A caterpillar?"
Seamus: "Yeah. Time to stick your head out and sprout the wings. Time to break free."
Allie: "You'll be my date to the wedding and the events Valentina has planned?"
Seamus: "Yup."
Allie: "And I'll be yours to your family functions?"
Seamus: "You got it, baby."
Allie: "And you'll help me with my confidence so I can meet someone deserving."
Seamus: "I promise."
Allie: "Very well. In exchange, I'll help you with your issues."
Seamus: "Huh?"
Allie: "Seamus, did you ever stop to think that perhaps the reason you're single and childless is because you're doing all the wrong things? Perhaps you could use some direction to remedy whatever faults you possess, and mistakes you've committed, that have kept you from a more fulfilling life?"
Seamus: " What do you mean? There's nothing to fix. Honey, this is perfection. You don't mess with perfection."
Allie: "Very well. We'll work on that, too."
Seamus: "So we have a deal?"
Allie: "Deal."
Seamus: " Good. Now, let's get back to the fondling above the sweater rule..."
Seamus runs his hands through my hair.
Seamus: "This is what I'm talking about. Just enough to grab.
Shaqwana: "What are you thinking?"
Allie: "Yes. What are you thinking?"
Seamus: "Fuckable."
Allie: "Eh?"
Seamus releases me slowly. He coughs, clearing his throat.
Seamus: "I want to give you fuckable hair."
Shaqwana: "I can do fuckable."
Allie: *blushing* "What exactly do you mean by fuckable?"
Seamus: "What you're going to be when I'm done with you."
Allie: "I-I-I don't understand."
Seamus may have released me with his hands, but his gaze holds strong, mesmerizing me, stroking me like a warm, invisible caress, and entrancing me so ruthlessly, the world falls away, leaving only him and his dark, rough voice.
Seamus: "Men like hair they can grab. Long enough to ball into a fist when they word a woman from behind or grab hold of when their woman falls to her knees in front of him."
Shaqwana: "Uh, huh. You got that right."
Allie: *husky voice* "If that's what you want, that;s what we'll do."
Shaqwana: "Come on, sweetie. Let's get you started. The two of you have given my place enough of a show."
Woman: "Mmm-hmm. Lord have mercy, it was getting all filthy up in here."
Allie: "It's incredible."
Seamus: " Incredible?"
Allie: "This isn't merely a block of wood brought to life by your hands and talent."
Seamus: "It's not?"
Allie: "No. It's ardor and fervor so raw I can taste it, a lucid and provocative invitation to sin."
Seamus: "Ah. Do you know what it is?"
Allie: "It's a man and woman making love while while standing."
A shade of red, as brilliant as lave spilling from an active volcano, overtakes Seamus's face and his jaw audibly pops open.
Seamus: "Holy shit, Allie. That's my sister!"
Allie: "Wha-what?"
Seamus: "And Evan! They were dancing at my cousin Colleen's wedding a few months back. They looked nice. I took a picture and thought I'd recreate it as a wedding gift. Now all I want to do is set is on fire."
Allie: "Oh, God."
Seamus: "That wood came from a tree in my Grammie's - God rest her soul - backyard."
Allie: "I'm sorry!"
Seamus: "I swung from that tree ..."
Allie: "I didn't mean to."
Seamus: "On a swing Pop-Pop made us. Ignoring the pain from his arthritic fingers."
Allie: "I'm really sorry."
Seamus: "I don't remember Pop-Pop ... I was too little when he died. The tree fell over during that blizzard in January. I thought it was a nice way to keep the memory of Grammie and Pop-Pop alive."
Allie: "It;s a beautiful way to honor them. Sweet - lovely - darling."
Seamus: "I believe your words were 'lucid' and 'sinful' - and before you explain, I know what they mean."
Allie: "I-I-I know you do. I didn't know that was your sister, or Evan, or made from your dead grandmother's tree."
Seamus: "And Pop-Pop. Don't you forget Pop-Pop - God rest his soul."
We both cross ourselves like good Catholics, not that it absolves me in anyways.
Allie: "I'm normally not like this."
Seamus: "You mean horny?"
Kill me, Jesus. Yes, that, too.
Seamus: "Dirty minded?"
Allie: "No!"
Seamus: "Kinky?"
Allie: "Seamus!"
Seamus: "Pornographically inclined?"
Seamus: "Allie, you're a real estate goddess, not some pilgrim. Surrender your butter churn, whip off the bonnet, and have a little fun."
Seamus: "If I screw up, you can spank me with your butter churn later."
Allie: "Thank you. That was very gallant of you."
Seamus: "Boyfriends are supposed to do that."
Allie: "Are they? What else do you plan to do as my boyfriend?"
Seamus: "Rip you off my body like Velcro as much as possible. Don't look at me that way. There has to be believability. I may or may not have ripped a few girls off me in front of my Ma. But let's try not to do that. She doesn't like it, and I think she still carries a knife in the waistband of her underwear. Ready to go?"
Allie doesn't move
Seamus: "It's just a little knife."
Allie: "Oh, God."
Seamus: "I mean, it's not like she needs it. She's Irish. She could probably kill you with her bare hands."
I slap her ass when we reach the front door.
Seamus: "Ready gorgeous?"
She rubs her butt.
Allie: "After that gentle caress of encouragement, how can I not be?"
Allie: "I never told you this, but your paint by numbers rendition of the baby Jesus was the best I've every seen."
Curran: "No shit."
Curran: "Hey, Seamus is here. With his girlfriend."
Finn: "Is she trying to steal your car?"
Seamus: "It was one time!"
Allie: "Are you certain I look all right?"
Seamus: "Nope."
Allie: "I don't?"
Seamus: "No. You look beautiful."
Wren: "Allie used to teach Sunday school. She still volunteers at the church, owns a killer real estate business, and might possibly still be a virgin."
She scowls at me.
Wren: "Possibly."
Allie's voice trails as she finishes congratulating Sofia and Killian on her pregnancy. Me being me, I become defensive.
Seamus: "I'll have you know I didn't pluck the cherry off this tree."
Seamus: "Something wrong?"
Killian: "You mean besides everyone here thinking Allie lost her virginity to some guy in Velcro shoes who fantasizes about having sex with Octopussy? Probably."
Tess: "Don't you worry. We've all been there and somehow made it out unscathed."
Seamus: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Tess adjusts her tiny black glasses. That's how I know we're all in trouble. That's when I know we've gone too far.
Tess: "It is absolutely unconscionable how this poor woman has been treated. Look at her. She didn't take two steps into my house before you accused her of losing her virginity to a man suffering from severe mental retardation and tasteless fashion."
Finn: "I'm sorry, Tess. You lost me after unconscious."
Molly: "She means youz are all a bunch of animals. It's like any time any of youz bring someone decent home, youz jump on her like a pride of hungry jackals on an unsuspecting flamingo."
Angus: "You trying to call us flamingos?"
Finn: "No, leopards, dumbass."
Tess: "Jesus."
Curran: "We're not trying to make her feel bad. Believe it or not, it's a compliment. Allie goes to church and volunteers at orphanages and leer colonies. Helping out that nerd with with the Fraggle Rock looking hair pop his cherry and fasten his Velcro shoes is just one more thing she's done out of the goodness of her heart."
Allie makes one of her famous squeaky noises.
Seamus: "Don't panic. You're totally panicking. Ma is like a hornet. She'll smell fear and sting your ass."
Allie: "If this is your idea of cheering me on, I'm going to rip off your pom-poms and throw them at you."
Seamus: "You can't do that. I'm you're ride home. Besides, the pom-poms are good for covering unmentionables, and if anyone asks, can I brag that you've used some to cover yours?"
Allie: "Of course. Why not? We've gone this far."
Seamus: "Thanks. You're a real doll."
Allie: "Hello, Mrs. O'Brien. I don't know if you remember me. It's nice to see you again."
Finn: "It's okay, Ma! It's not Allie's fault she had sex with a loser. The important thing is she's having sex with Seamus now. Isn't that right, Seamus?"
Seamus: "That's right."
Sol: "Jesus."
Finn: "What? We're all adults here."
Tess: "No, we're not."
Curran: "Tess, Fiona doesn't know what we're talking about. Remember the time she caught us going at it? All she cared about was me putting you down long enough to get her a cookie."
Tess: "Curran!"
Curran: "Where are you going? I gave her the cookie."
Allie: "Seamus, don't you know it's the nerds, not the meek, who will inherit the earth?"
Seamus: "Not my earth. We need less pocket-protectors, fewer Doctor Whos, and more high-tech devices that emit fewer harmful gasses and doctors to cure cancers and all those diseases killing kids and destroying families."
She blinks at me stunned.
Seamus: "What? I read stuff."
Allie: "Seamus, you do realize those same engineers developing high-tech devices and researchers creating breakthrough medications are likely nerds themselves?"
Seamus: "Nerds who deserve to get laid. Unlike Andres. All he did was create something to blow more things up. You noticed that, didn't you? That machine or whatever only helped him and his bank account."
Allie: "I did notice that."
I slam on the brakes when the car in front of me stops short. More instinct, than anything, my hand whips out to cup her shoulder. At least I think it's her shoulder, until I give a squeeze and realize it's too bouncy and perky to be bone.
Seamus: "Ah, sorry?"
She glances down to where I'm cupping her breast. Not to brag, but I don't think I could've aimed better if I'd planned.
Seamus: "I was trying to keep you safe. You could have flown through the glass and landed on the street bleeding with your organs hanging out and shit."
Allie: "I'm wearing my seat belt."
Seamus: "Seat-belts don't always work. The locking mechanism fails if not properly engaged."
Allie: "I thought you said Wren sold you and your brothers on this truck based on its impeccable safety record and reputation?"
Seamus: "Sure. But just because something seems great doesn't mean that crazy shit can't happen to you. So, if that means accidentally grabbing your breasts and fondling now and then to save your life, damn it, I'm going to do it."
My stupid comments make her laugh like I intended, assuring me that at least for now, I won't end u on some perv list.
Allie: "You would be offended by them kissing?"
Seamus: "Wouldn't you be? I just picture this short, stubby tongue, grazing her teeth since it's as far as it will go. *makes gagging noise* Damn. Why did you have to go there?"
Allie: "What do you mean why did I have to go there? You're the one who asked and answered a question I in no way suggested. And while we're on the topic, thank you for your rather graphic description. I could have done without the visual."
Seamus: "It couldn't have been as bad as that visual you gave me. That statue I made of Wren and Evan dancing was supposed to be innocent. Now I have to keep it covered or risk having nightmares."
Allie: "I told you I'm sorry. How many times can I apologize for such an erroneous interpretation?"
Seamus: "Not enough. And about Andy's tongue, you only have yourself to blame."
Allie: "How is that my fault?"
Seamus: "You know how my mind wanders all over the place. You know I wouldn't just stop. Now, I'm picturing all his other disturbingly stubby parts grabbing at her while she smiles and pretends to like it. Ugh. Did you really have to go there?"
I don't realize Allie is laughing until I glance in her direction. She isn't making a sound. it's one of those silent laughs that hurt. Yup. Here she is, clutching her belly her head thrown back, and little puffs of air releasing in tiny spurts. Then it happens. She can't take it anymore. The sweet sounds of her hysterics fill my cabin like the laughter of angels who just placed a whoopee cushion on St. Peter's chair. I don't know if angels are allowed to pull practical jokes. But if they did, their laughter would sound like Allie's.
Seamus: "Fine. Crack up. But there's some shit you can't unsee. Minute fingers making grabby motions are in my top ten, second only to bearded women with equally bearded penises."
Hostess: "Do you know her? Personally?"
Allie: "Valentina is my sister."
Hostess: "I never would have guessed."
Seamus: "Yeah, Allie is beautiful and sweet, incapable of stabbing someone in the back or stepping on someone just to claw her way to the top. Unlike Valentina, who probably tried to use her celebrity status to get a free meal. Am I right?"
The hostess with the most-est quiets, letting me know that, yeah, Valentina probably already has her parking taken care of too.
Hostess: "You're very pretty too. This way, please."
Andres: "You do realize you're in public."
I smile.
Seamus: "What can I say? I can't keep my hands off my woman.
I stop smiling, my hand gliding across Allie's small shoulders.
Seamus: "You know what I mean. Don't you?"
I scan the space separating him and his beloved. Valentina is closer to Allie than she is to him.
Seamus: "I guess you don't."
Allie: "Are you kidding me? I'll hold your flowers. I'll fluff your veil, but no way will I celebrate you consummating your union."
Her eyes narrow at Andres.
Allie: "I believe that ship already left the dock,."
Seamus: "And crashed into a fucking ugly tug boat.", lifting my beer to toast Andres.
Declan: "I'm sorry for not getting married in the church. If Miles makes it through, I promise you we will."
Ma: "God will understand and so do I, dear boy?"
Declan bends to kiss Ma's cheek
Declan: "Thank you, Mama."
The ceremony is brief, but the words shared mean just as much. We're all smiling, doing a real good job keeping it together until Declan signs the last of his vows.
Declan: "Your father loved you first. Like him, I promise to love you forever."
Seamus: "I have an idea. Let's sneak away to the bathroom and pretend to have sex. What?"
Allie: "There's something very wrong with you."
Seamus: "I'm not saying we have to be loud or anything. We just have to make sure somebody catches us going in and coming out. They'll assume the rest."
Allie: "We're guests in someone's home."
Seamus: "Oh, don't worry about it. Evie is already knocked up with their fourth kid. If anyone understands we need a moment, it's Teo."
Seamus: "I bet you most marriages wouldn't end in divorce if there was more sex in the bathroom."
Finn: "Hell yeah, to sex in the bathroom. Sol and I will take the upstairs."
Sol: "Finn. We're in my cousin's house."
Finn: "He'll understand.
Seamus: "Told you."
Allie: "Fine. I give up. What happened to the ladies with the merrily swinging tassels dancing on the poles?"
Seamus: "Well, since you asked, I'll tell you. But only because you asked, since a gentleman never tells."
Allie: "I'll be sure to inform the gentleman next time I see one."
Seamus cracks up.
Allie: "You're having fun, aren't you?"
Seamus: "I am. But I'll let you off the hook."
Allie: "How was the boat?"
Seamus: "The best thing I can tell you about that piece of shit is that we;ll be fine after another two tetanus shots. It was nothing but rust on rust with a motor. I think if we had a nice boat, the trip would've been smoother and Finn and Killian wouldn't have puked as much as they did."
Allie: "Oh."
Seamus: "Tell me about it. I don't know what the fuck their women feed them, but it went all over the upper deck - next to where the food Angus supposedly ordered was supposed to go. But they weren't the only ones. Everyone was hurling off the side of the boat except for me. I was always the only one who could handle those dizzy rides at Six Flags. By the time we made it out to our chosen destination, everybody ws lying on their sides begging to die. It was just me and the stripper pole left to save the party."
Allie: "I apologize. But what exactly was a stripper pole doing on a boat?"
Seamus: "I told you. We made the mistake of letting Angus book the trip. Everyone is looking and feeling like shit so I try to get a laugh out of them. I think I managed one and a half swings around the pole before the boat tipped to the side and I went flying. I hit a couple of metal cages. There was rotting meat in at least one.:"
Allie: "Why were there metal cages and rotting meat on a boat?"
Seamus: "Because when the captain isn't hosting these awesome fishing excursions, he illegally transports exotic animals. Tiger cubs and lions if you can believe it. That was another thing that pissed Curran and Declan off. Not only did they puke themselves into oblivion, they had to report the captain, and arrange to have him arrested once we docked. "
Allie: "Oh, goodness."
Seamus: "That's a nice way of putting it. The whole thing sucked. We had to play like we were having a good time so the captain wouldn't suspect he was in trouble and toss our asses overboard."
Allie: "That sounds absolutely awful."
Seamus: "Oh, it totally sucked balls."
Allie: "You're not doing so well, are you?"
Seamus: "I've had better pole dancing experiences."
Allie: "I'm sure you have, big guy. How about I give you a massage. A real one?"
Seamus: "You'd do that for me, Curvy Sue?""
Allie: "You bet all those singles you earned in your G-string."
Seamus: "How did you know I was in a G-string?"
Allie: "I would expect nothing else."
Allie: "Have you ever wanted to spend more than one night with a woman?"
Seamus: "Just once."
Seamus: "My father came home a little later. He sat down to dinner as he did every night. And just like Ma did every night, she placed his warm dinner in front of him. It was a routine they both had. Except this time, things were a little different. I don't think he'd taken his first bite before Ma nailed him in the face with a cast-iron skillet. Ma didn't stop with the one swing.She let Papa have it. At first I thought she was finally done pretending she didn't know where he went every afternoon. But when I found my father on the floor, his nose caved in and his hands up, I realized what made her sling that skillet. 'You may have put these children inside me,' she told him. 'But that doesn't make you their father. You don't touch my babies, ever. You haven't earned that right. And if you ever lay your hands on them again, I'll kill you in your sleep, you bastard.'""
Seamus: "I think there are kids who've been hurt that dream of fighting their fathers. Some may even enjoy doing so. I didn't. But some good did come out of it. It showed the man who hurt us that we were no longer going to take it. Allie, it's time to tell those who hurt you to stop."
Seamus: "But Andres looks like a cartoon character. Not the cool kind like Bugs. More like Porky Pig and Yosemite Sam had a baby. But it wasn't a cute baby. It was like they got drunk and angry-fucked"
Allie: "I don't think I was good enough in bed."
Seamus: "Sure, you were."
Allie: "How can you tell?"
Seamus: "It's easy. Show me your fuck face."
Allie: "What?"
Seamus: "You heard me."
Allie: "I'm not sure I know what it means."
Seamus: "S'all right. I'll explain. Men don't want the same face you make when you serve them milk and cookies, unless you plan to do something naughty with that cookie."
Allie: Naughty?"
Seamus: "We'll get back to the cookies. Men want their women to make them feel like they can't get enough of them in the sack. That desire needs to be reflected in a woman's face."
Allie: "In the fuck face?"
Seamus: "Yup. The better the face, the more the man is going to feel like an Alpha King taking on the universe, and the more he's going to make you beg for it. So go ahead, let 'er rip."
Allie: "Have you lost your mind? I can't make that face, with you, here."
Seamus: "Why not? *he winks* I thought we were friends?"
Allie: "That's not something a friend asks another friend to do."
Seamus: "A real friend would."
Allie: "Just to be clear, the women you're with make you feel like you're doing everything right, even though perhaps you're doing it all wrong?"
Seamus: "No, I'm doing it right. In fact, I'm probably the best these women will ever have. It makes me feel bad, you know? To ruin these women for all others. Those poor bastards that follow, it's like they never stood a chance."
Allie: "Congratulations, I'm thrilled you're so very awesome in bed. I'll be sure to say the rosary on behalf of all those women you ruined and their poor, pitiful men."
Seamus: "It'll mean a lot to them."
Seamus: "Come on, what are fuck face among friends? I'm only trying to help."
Allie: "I know. I'm just not certain I can do this. It doesn't feel natural and I-I-I don't want to force things."
Seamus: "Allie, mind blowing orgasms are not natural. They're the result of fuck faces and don't let anybody tell you differently."
Seamus: "Come on, Alz. Class is in session and I'm your hot teacher. Repeat after me, two confident people in bed equal multiple orgasms."
Allie: "Two confident people in bed equal orgasms."
Seamus: "That was a decent first start. Now, be a little more confident, and let me have it. Give me your best 'I'm ready to come' face."
She covers her heart, gasping
Seamus: "That wasn't it. Was it?
Her mouth opens and closes several times.
Seamus: "Shit. Now you just look like a fish. Did Andres do things to make you look like that in bed? Fucker, I should kick his ass."
Allie: "I wasn't trying! That was me trying to work through what you just said"
Seamus: "Which part?"
Allie: "The part about coming."
Seamus: "Where are you going?"
Allie: "Not that kind of coming."
I cough into my hand.
Allie: "You're laughing at me."
Seamus: "No, baby, I'm laughing with you, because you're so damn cute."
Seamus: "It's gonna suck if God strikes me down or send a nun to beat my ass with a ruler."
Allie: "You survived Finn's wedding."
Seamus: "I think the Benjamin I dropped in the donation bin helped. But Benjamins only get you so far with God"
Seamus: "Fuck you, Angus. You passed out in front of the Virgin Mary that night."
Angus: "That was Finnie."
Finn: "It was not. I fell asleep in the manger and all youz damn well know it!"
Declan: "Then who the hell stole the camel?"
Everyone looks at Seamus when Curran hooks a thumb in his direction
Seamus: "What? I had him back by New Year's."
Molly: "That was before, sweetie. Or like Wren and the rest of us call it, BSWU. Before Seamus Wised Up. Dear God and every virgin on the planet, you wouldn't believe what it was like before you came along. It's like Seamus lost a bet with a higher power and all Cupid could do was launch arrows into skanks and prison escapees. You hear what I'm saying?"
Wren to Angus: "Thank you for being my strength."
Wren to Declan: "Thank you for being my hero."
Wren to Seamus: "Thank you for being my protector."
Wren to Curran: "Thank you for being my virtue."
Wren to Killian: "Thank you for teaching me compassion. Your heart's my favorite thing about you."
Wren to Finn: "Thank you for being my courage. I love you, Finnie."
Wren to Ma: "Thank you, Mama. You were the best mother and father we could have."
Seamus: "You set my woman on fire, I'm going to rip off your tail and shove it up your ass"
Performer: "I'm a professional."
Seamus: "You're going to be professional with a tail sticking out of your ass."
Seamus: "You sure you don't want to dance? It'll give us something to do besides hang out with these assholes."
Seamus: "You're right. I didn't know Allie. I couldn't have picked her out of a crowd, would've passed her on the street and not thought twice. But I know her now. You changed me, Allie. I fell for you. More than once, I fell hard. From the first moment you really smiled at me, when all the piles of your hair lay in chunks on the floor, to those little moments when you showed up at my place to make sure I had a decent meal and that I was happy, to the day I bared my soul to you. I love you, Allie. I just need you to love me, too."
Valentina's slow clap snags our attention.
Valentina: "Cute. Brilliant, even. It's a shame we know it's not true."
Allie: "I don't care what you believe or what you don't. I just need you to know if you ever touch Seamus again, you're dead to me. Even more than you are now."
Allie: "Seamus?"
Seamus: "Yeah?"
Allie: "Did you mean what you said? When you told me you loved me, did you mean it?"
Seamus: "I meant every fucking word."
Allie: "I really needed to hear you say that."
Seamus: "Sorry, beautiful. I should have used something."
Allie: "It's okay. I'm on the pill."
Seamus: "Since when?"
Allie: "Since I realized I love you, too."
Seamus: "You love me?"
Allie: "Yes."
Seamus: "I love you, too."
Allie: "Hi, babe."
Seamus: "Hey, beautiful."
Allie: "Is this the part where you kick me out?"
Seamus: "Depends, are you going to pull a knife on me?"
Allie: *grinning* "No."
Seamus: "Are you due in court?"
Allie: *laughing* "No, not today."
Seamus: "Then we have another hour. Besides, it's rude to kick you out of your own place. I'm classier than that and as an FYI, it feels good not to have to escape through a window."
Allie: "Shhh."
Seamus: "You saying you don't want your mother to know I'm in bed with you?"
Allie's Mom: "Seamus really loves you, doesn't he?"
Seamus: "Yeah. He does."
Seamus: "How come you're not naked? I haven't seen you since last night. The least you could do is walk in here naked."
Allie: "The last time I did that, you yelled at me."
Seamus: "That's because I was slicing through lumber at the time. You hear any machines on?"
Allie: "No."
Seamus: "Then you should be naked."
Allie: "Then what's that?"
Seamus: "That thing? Something else I've been working on, but it's not quite done. Want to see it?"
Allie: "Only if you want me to. I know how you feel about the things you most care about."
Seamus: "I know you do. Which is why I'd like you to see it."
Seamus reveals a statue of a male kneeling. The male's hand stretches out, holding the hand of the woman he clearly loves. Tears fill my eyes when I hear Seamus shuffle behind me. As I turn, I find him on his knee, holding out a blue velvet box, those tears spill and I'm not sure how I'll get them to stop.
Seamus: "The only way to finish this masterpiece is for you to say yes. I love you, Allie. You are my life. Will you marry me?"
Of course, I say yes, signaling the final O'Brien receiving his happily ever after.
Check out the rest of the O'Brien Family series below!