I Punched an Alien and Now We're in Couples Therapy by Kimberly Lemming
- Alisha Eadle
- 11 minutes ago
- 9 min read
I Punched an Alien and Now We're in Couples Therapy
by Kimberly Lemming
Published by Berkley
Book 2 in the Cosmic Chaos Series
A zany and sexy romance about a woman who finds herself stranded on a far-off planet and mated to the warlord alien king, from USA Today bestselling author Kimberly Lemming.
It’s not in Blair’s nature to just give up. Not when she’s beamed up to a spaceship and then dropped on an alien planet. Not even when she’s in the middle of a forest fire surrounded by dinosaurs. And definitely not when she’s captured by an arrogant alien king. If King Osid thinks he can break her, he’s in for a shock. Blair lives by one If you stay ready, you never have to get ready.
But absolutely nothing could have prepared her for finding out that she’s that arrogant King Osid’s mate.
Despite recent hiccups, the alien researchers are determined to get their breeding program back on track. With that in mind, Blair and Osid are bundled off to the research center for what they’re told is couples counseling. As they face a series of increasingly dangerous challenges, it soon becomes clear the research aliens may have confused an episode of The Bachelor with Survivor. Bonding over their common enemy, and shall we say...encouraged by love darts, Blair and Osid let down their walls (and take off their clothes). When they discover that there are—somehow—even more secret plans in the works, another hilarious, steamy, over-the-top adventure is in store.
Genre
Triggers
Alien Abduction, Violence, Murder
Before I begin, I would like to thank Berkley for sending me an ARC of I Punched an Alien and Now We're in Couples Therapy by Kimberly Lemming, in exchange for a fair and honest review.
I'm so late writing this, which is a shame, considering I actually finished reading this days before release. Such is life. Work, and enjoying the last few weeks of summer before we are back to school is taking up all my time.
Also, admittedly, I've been in a bit of a slump, which has led to a lot of time laying in bed and rotting away on Instagram instead of reading.
I needed something that would make me laugh, so when I saw I Punched an Alien and Now We're in Couples Therapy was next on my roster, I knew I was in for a treat.
I've never read Kimberly Lemmings work before. But that cover and title made me laugh, and I thought there was no harm in trying it out.
Guess what?
My intuition was right.
It has been a LONG time since I've laughed that hard reading a book. It was honestly so much fun to read.
Was it ridiculous?
Yeah, of course.
With a title like that, that is what I expecting, and Kimberly delivered.
Despite the chaos, it actually has an interesting storyline. I wasn't just reading for the laughs, I was genuinely interested in the story and characters. Plus the total opposites attract chemistry between Blair and Osid was top notch. I don't normally read alien or monster romance, because as a visual reader, sometimes picturing what I'm reading ruins it for me.
It didn't in this book. It was totally hot.
If you are in a slump like I was, or just in need of a good laugh, you need to read this book. The only thing I suggest is to read the first book in the series I Got Abducted by Aliens and Now I'm Trapped in a Rom-Com. There is a part of the book where it overlaps with the first book, and while I was able to piece two and two together, obviously the details in the time jump happen in the first book. And honestly, it can't hurt to read another book that will make you swoon and laugh.
Blair: "What do you want me to do, send them a fruit basket? We had some fun in the sun, the pool, Jackie's greenhouse -"
"What?" cried Jackie.
Blair: "And now we go our separate ways,"
I finished.
Osid: "It's common courtesy to give your name after someone introduces themselves."
To ease the discomfort of the language barrier, I leaned closer to her and repeated my name slowly.
Osid: "Osid."
Her brow furrowed, the only indication I got before she jerked her chin from my grasp and sank dull teeth into my finger.
I pulled my hand away.
Osid: "You bit me."
She help her head high, as if proud of the accomplishment before she smiled and said, "Blair."
Osid: "Blair, is it?"
I found myself returning her infection grin once again.
Osid: "I think I'll keep you."
The pistol and the sin tin in my jacket pocket were all I had in this world, and I'd be damned if I had to accept the existence of aliens and dinosaurs while sober.
It's mouth sagged open as glassy eyes stared off into nothing. Blood pooled from the neck as the skin grew pallid and waxy before my eyes. Dark, congealed blood matted greasy black hair to the sides of his face. Osid watched me expectantly, his coice booming with obvious pride as he edged the head closer to me. But all I focused on was the way the tongue lolled out, unmoored, yet still slightly warm with life, as if it might still speak or scream.
I swallowed thickly and lifted my gaze to the clearly mad alien.
Blair: "i'm not gonna ruffle it's hair, if that's what you want. Thank you, I guess,"
I said, offering a tight smile before backing up a smidge.
Blair: "But you can go ahead and keep it. I have a weird thing about touching severed heads. Hygene and all that."
Osid: "You're right. I'm being unkind."
Shock colored Hakri's face, bit I couldn't give less of a fuck because Blair's eyes were still fixated on Jivorn as he rose off into the sunset. Sun glinted off shining armor as his long red hair billowed in the wind.
Majestic bastard.
Osid: "I'll kill him,"
I vowed.
Hakri: "WHAT?"
An odd sense of peace washed over me. What was I even trying to stay alive for? I'd been dropped on some weird ass planet with no food, no water, and the only people I'd met kept trying to kill each other. My Black ass was never gonna survive more than two days, max. I wasn't a damn survivalist and this ain't Naked and Afraid. Well. I was afraid, but at least I wasn't caught with my drawers down.
Blair: "You know what?"
I asked the snake, carrying out the question until the melody echoed,
Blair: "Fuck it! Eat me, but I'm about to give you the worst indigestion of your goddamn life!"
Blair: "Oh I did not think I'd have to be alive to face the consequences of my own actions."
Clerk: "Subject 12, when you awoke from stasis, you picked up the security officer and bludgeoned Dr. Kreelo with him. You are also directly responsible for the deaths of two Hatzegopteryx, and from the looks of this report, completely altered the mating habits of a herd of Parasaurolophus."
Blair: "I didn't catch half of those words, but I damn sure didn't mess with any dinosaurs gettin' it on."
With an owlish blink, the clerk pressed a button on her screen. It then switched into a video of me half naked singing "At Last" by Etta James to a group of swaying dinosaurs. The video fast forwarded to a male playing an obvious copy of the song through his head crest. Smaller females crowded around him and began singing backup.
Blair: "That's right, get your man, Debra!"
I screamed, somewhere off camera.
Blair: "I ... have no memory of that."
Damn, that was some strong acid.
Dr. Sparrow: "your memories show that you've gone through periods of being mated to several partners before. Both male and female. Are you out of season for males?"
Blair: "Are you asking me if I'm a seasonal lesbian?"
She merely blinked at me.
Blair: "Yes, I'm out of season for males. I can only take dick once every two years. It's a medical condition, you see."
Her brow furrowed.
Dr. Sparrow: "Hmm, your last male was only a month ago."
Blair: "I'm aware."
Dr. Sparrow: "Our mission cannot wait two years to see results. We need all mated females to begin reproducing as soon as possible to help establish a sustainable population for the Sankado. If this is a medical condition, then perhaps we can find a cure. Can you describe the conditions that lead you to enter your next cycle?"
Blair: "Of course,"
I nodded.
Blair: "It was on the blood moon of the fourth month of a wombat's second cycle. The high order shines a beacon off the Great Wall of China to alert me."
I looked out the window and scanned the horizon.
Blair: "And I see no beacon."
Tiny fingers flew furiously over her keyboard.
Dr. Sparrow: "Subject needs ... beacon to trigger male season."
It's so cute when they're dumb.
Dr. Sparrow: "Din, be reasonable. The memory converter was only on my head for a moment. You above all of us should know it needs at least five minutes to get an accurate reading."
Oh this gaslighting little Biwban.
Din: "Don't try to soothe me with your LIES! How long has this been going on? Are there others? By the Allmother's tailfeathers, tell me you used protection!"
She shot me a scathing look.
I shook my head at her.
Blair: "How could you, Gendula?"
Screeching, Din tugged at the feathers on his cheeks until I thought he'd pluck them off.
Din: "You see?! Even the human doesn't believe you."
Blair: "That's right, Din. Don't let her turn you around. You deserve better than this."
Blair: "No, no, no,"
I said, wagging my finger.
Blair: "I didn't sign up for an alien dating show with a side of Stolkholm syndrome."
Blair: "So you're saying there're still two other matches I could possibly choose? Two still means I've got options, and as far as I'm aware, neither of them have taken me hostage. Set up a date with those two, and we'll see how it goes."
Dr. Hilt shook her head.
Dr. Hilt: "Unfortunately Subject B 94 traveled outside out satellite range, and we don't have enough resources to send out a hunt for one male."
Blair: "Okay, but the next guy."
Dr. Hilt: "Subject K 5 was eaten by a Tyrannosaurus last week."
Blair: "Well damn, Doc, work with me here!"
Osid: "You wicked, venomous creature! A king is trying to own up to his mistakes, and you throw it back to him. A lesser man would mount your head outside the fortress walls for the scavengers to pick at."
Rage blinded me.
Blair: "You chained me to the bully from The Land Before Time!"
He tilted his head, confused.
Osid: "The horncrest?" Blair: "Yes, the triceratops!"
Whirling to face him, I pointed to the wonderland of white bullshit and screamed,
Blair: "It's colder than my ex-wife's heart out there, I'm not going!"
Osid: "Your what?"
he growled.
Blair: "Oh fuck your petty jealousy and fuck this!"
I tried to bolt back inside, but Pebble, that bitch, that Brutus, that Benedict Arnold, used a shield-tipped pole to shove me back. I dug my heels in, which sadly did a whole lotta nothing on these damn metal floors. My hands and feet locked around the shield as I held on for dear life.
Blair: "Wait! I changed my mind, I'll fuck him! Don't put me out in the cold!"
The shield kept pushing until I could feel the cold bite of snowflakes against my ear.
Blair: "No, I don't do snow!"
"Welcome, Subjects 12 and S 52. You are now on Floor Four,"
the loudspeakers voiced droned with it's familiar upbeat precision.
Pebbles shook me loose and quickly pulled the shield back inside. I scrambled up just in time for them to slam the door in my face. Beating my fists again the metal, I slumped to my knees and sobbed brokenly,
"I'll fuck him!"
Blair: "Holy dinosaur shanks, I'm dumber than a bird. I'm dumber than a bird. Thanks, American public school system."
Blair: "WAIT, WAIT!"
Blair screamed.
I pitched forward, nearly falling over again as my hooves screeched against the polished floor. Looking around wildly, I asked,
Osid: "What, what's happened?"
Blair: "Break open that vending machine and grab me hot Cheetos and a Dr. Pepper. The Cheetos are the bag with the orange animal in the bottom row."
Confused, I looked to my side to see a rectangle box with a see-through window. I smashed the glass and retrieved the orange bag.
Osid: "Which on is the Dr. Pepper?"
Blair: "Second shelf, three cans over. You know what? That looks like a lot of carry, you should put it in that red bag in the Bvlgari store next to you. The one with the gold clasp in the center display."
Osid: "She's shopping."
I blinked.
Osid: "You're shopping? Woman, you are strapped to a bomb!"
Blair: "And you are literally right fucking there. Grab the bag, Osid!"
Blair: "Who told you a T. rex was our natural predator? Do you know what our natural predator actually is? Heart disease! It's heart disease. Send in a tray of cheese burgers or something, that's an actual threat I'm used to dealing with. Not a prehistoric apex predator, you budget pinching assholes!"
Blair: "Keep playing in my face, Biwban. My will to live is fickle on a good day, for the sake of consistency with this planet, bitch, I'm wafflin', and you nosy motherfuckers just flipped me to the wrong side."
Comments